Miscarriage

Our church is doing a special series called "Real God for Real Problems." In the last few weeks, we have tackled subjects like self-injury, depression, anxiety, & homosexuality. This past Wednesday, I was privileged to speak & share our story of miscarriage. It is a subject that has been very silent in many churches. I was honored to be on a panel with two other special women who have also experienced miscarriage & its devastating effects. So many people were touched, I thought I would blog what I shared with our congregation that night.

When Pastor Tim asked me to share my/our story, I didn't hesitate. One of Jason's favorite verses has always been II Corinthians 1:3-5:

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
God is our merciful Father & the Source of all comfort.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort
others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give
them the same comfort God has given us.

My story begins on the morning of March 15, 2001 -- the day I discovered I was pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy -- Jason & I had only been married for 3 months. And we were on the 5-year plan! There was no time to think about the implications of this new life because by the afternoon of the same day -- at 8 weeks pregnant -- I began to miscarry our first child. What I didn't know at the time was that this would be the first of four miscarriages for my husband & I.

One of the things that people need to understand about women going through miscarriage is that they experience a wide range of emotions.

My immediate response was fear although I don't know if it was more for me or for the baby. My first touch of sadness came during the doctor's exam when she referred to what was happening as a "spontaneous abortion." I also dealt with horrible guilt because a part of me was relieved -- this was not the best time to have a baby & this was not part of our plan. Four days later, I felt my first twinge of strange jealousy when my sister gave birth to her son, the first grandchild on our side of the family. My husband could probably elaborate on my odd behavior over the next several weeks -- it takes the body some time to realize that there is no longer a baby to sustain & the hormones must adjust accordingly. I thought I was being a completely rational human being, but Jason assures me that that was not the case.

One of the most difficult concepts for me to deal with was the fact that life begins at conception. I have often told Jason that if I could just think of the baby as a lump of tissue that was not genetically viable, it would be so much easier. But because I believe that life begins at conception, I knew that a little person had died, & that there was a child in Heaven that I would never know.

That first experience did leave me with one very positive perspective. I now knew that I desperately wanted children (I had never really been much of a "kid person" growing up). Together Jason & I made it a priority to prepare ourselves to start a family -- buying a house, buying a larger car, being financially secure, etc.

Several months later, Jason & I decided it was time to try to start a family. I falsely assumed that because I had gotten pregnant when we weren't even trying, it should be a piece of cake now. This began our 3 year journey through infertility and miscarriages.

Every month was met with disappointment when the pregnancy test was negative or the blood test showed hormone levels that were not high enough to sustain life . . . and we knew what would come next.

I wish I could say that I put my trust in the Lord & lived in the firm belief that He had a plan for my life & that He was good all the time & all the time He was good. However, that was not my response. God & I had it out several times before we stopped talking altogether.

I wrestled with extreme frustration. Our love life had become a science experiment. There was no such thing as intimacy when the mood was right. We had a very small window of opportunity each month & if we didn't make it work, don't bother talking to me for another 28 days. I was so deep in my own pain.

I wrestled with the fairness/justice of God. In my mind, everyone on the planet was pregnant except for me. I would go to the grocery store & see some woman with a cartful of kids, screaming obscenities at one that had dared touch something on the shelf & I would think, "How dare the Lord bless her & not me. It's not fair!" I remember receiving a phone call from the doctor's office, telling me that my hormone levels were again not elevated enough to sustain life. I knew this would result in our third miscarriage. That evening when Jason came home from work, he found me huddled on the floor in the corner of the kitchen crying. I will never forget what I said to him. "Would it really throw the planets out of alignment for Him to give us a baby? Really? He could do anything He wanted to. Why won't He do this?"

I had tunnel vision. I could not see past myself & my own pain to be even remotely concerned about anyone else. I was jealous of friends & family who were having babies. I hated Mother's Day. Everything was a constant reminder of what I didn't have. And all the while, I was convinced that Jason just didn't understand me. It wasn't his body. Which brought with it tremendous guilt -- he wasn't the one who couldn't maintain a baby. He was doing his part. It was my fault that our children were dying.

The fourth miscarriage was particulary difficult for me. I was teaching 9th grade English when I began to feel those all too familiar abdominal pains. Jason was called & by the time he arrived, the pain was so terrible, I couldn't even walk to the car. My body was broken -- my heart was broken -- and finally, my spirit was broken. There was something different about this time. It was like I had finally taken my blinders off & was seeing things for what they really were. I had been trying to deal with the sadness & loss alone & in the process I had turned into a bitter woman & put tremendous strain on my marriage. But most of all, I had driven a wedge between me & the Lord. I was tired of being the one doing all the work. He never walked away from me; I walked away from Him & wasted all my energy building a wall between us. I was finally done. I took all of my pain & all of my sadness & all of my hurt & laid it at His feet. I was calling Him on every promise He made to me:

I Peter 5:7 -- Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
Psalm 46:1 -- God is our refuge & strength, a very present help
in times of trouble.
Matthew 11:28 -- Come to Me, all you who are weary & carry
heavy burdens, & I will give you rest.
Isaiah 30:18 -- The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises
to show you compassion. For the Lord is a
God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for
Him.

The change wasn't instant. And I had to keep going & keep going & keep laying all of my garbage at the cross. But slowly the Lord healed my broken heart. He brought comfort in all forms, every time I needed it. One of my favorite forms was the song "Lullably" by Andrew Peterson that he had written for their first child, lost to miscarriage.

The one thing that often makes me reluctant to tell my story is that I now have 2 beautiful little girls. Some may think, "It's really easy for you to say just trust God. You have 2 children." But that was not a bargaining chip. I had to make things right with God & get back on His agenda before He ever blessed me with my children.

Things I wish I had done differently:

I wish I remembered the exact dates of my miscarriages. I was so deep in my own pain & wanting to forget it & make it go away, that I did not save those dates in my memory.

I wish we had named our lost children. They were people. They were children with souls & now, 6 years laters, I wish they had names.

Things I think I got right:

We decided to create our own memorial to our children. Wherever we live, we have a lilac bush in memory of our 4 children in Heaven. Incidentally, that was the difficult thing about moving to seminary. We rent a townhouse & are not allowed to plant a lilac bush.

I have a much greater appreciation for my girls than I think I would have had if I had not lived through the loss. Those girls were hard fought for, prayed for, & begged for.

One thing that I did not address is where I think my children are today. That's because there has never been a doubt in my mind that my children are in Heaven & that I will see them one day.

People were bringing even infants to Him that He might touch
them; and when the disciples saw it, they sternly ordered them
not to do it. But Jesus called for them and said, "Let the little
children come to Me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as
these that the kingdom of God belongs.
Luke 18:15-16

The Seminary Wife & Her Gas Tank

So here's a truth that I have learned through experience: God loves scenarios that are set up so perfectly for Him to show up & show off as our Jehovah Jireh. I could do with a few less of those "desperate straits," but I wouldn't trade being able to see His miraculous hand at work for anything.

So here was our recent scenario ~ money is tight. Every penny is being stretched to its limit. Vacation is right around the corner. I got into the van on Tuesday to go to work. Granted, work is only 1 mile from our house, but I was filling in at the office all week, so I would need to drive a total of 10 miles during the week. Well, the gas light was on & the needle was well into the "red." Not a good way to start the day -- empty gas tank, empty wallet. Surely I could make it 1 mile, right? So off I went. I made it to work without incident. When I got into the van to come home, the gas light was no longer on & the needle was just teetering at the "red." Hmm? By Thursday, the needle was reading a quarter tank full. Hmmmmmm? Not only did I make it back & forth to work all week, but I also took a 12-mile trip to Walmart on that same tank! The Old Testament had it's widow with the oil & flour, we have the seminary wife & the gas! But my story doesn't end there. On Sunday morning, we left the van in its parking space & took the car to church. The car had enough gas to get us to church, but not enough to get us home. How were we planning to get home, you ask? I'm not sure we even thought that far. After church, a dear girlfriend of mine "tricked" me (not a good word to use to describe it, but you get the point) into taking our car to the gas station so she could fill the tank. And then proceeded to give me money to fill the van's gas tank as well. Praise God for His provision & for friends who are sensitive to His promptings!!!!

But God was certainly not short on blessings this week. Caleigh saw a specialist on Thursday morning for her hearing loss. She will be having a second set of tubes put in her ears & her adenoids taken out next Wednesday. The doctor is confident that she will regain all of the hearing that she has lost!!

Jehovah Jireh.

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Why is that? Well, let's see. "Life has been busy" is my most often used excuse. True, but a bit played out. It certainly isn't because I don't have anything to write about or report. Life is full ~ full of lessons (easy & hard), full of laughter, full of experiences, full of decisions, full of joy . . . full, full, FULL!!!

I think perhaps my lack of blogging is due to what I typically blog. Work with me here . . . I tend to blog about what is on my mind. And lately, what has been on my mind is a) not for public knowledge or b) lessons that the Lord is teaching me that are so deeply personal & still in process that I just can't / don't want to share them. No offense to any faithful readers.

So what can I share?? Hmm . . . well, Jason finished his 4th semester here at ETS with another 4.0 (he would never tell you that himself, but I'm his wife & have full bragging rights). He started his summer language course - Greek - a couple of weeks ago. It's very challenging & time-consuming, but worth it!

Caleigh will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. You can pray for her (and us) as we deal with some anxiety issues there. Also keep in prayer an ongoing health concern that Caleigh is dealing with. We have an appointment for her with an ENT specialist to find out the cause of her hearing loss. We are trusting the situation to God & will be resting in Him regardless of the outcome.

Peyton is . . . well, Peyton. Loving life, hating potty-training, & doing it all with a smile!! I am really looking forward to having some one-on-one time with her while Caleigh is in school.

We are all anxiously awaiting a vacation coming up next month. My best friend, Shallon will be flying here to Pennsylvania to accompany me & my girls back down to her home in sunny Florida by van (20 hours in a car with a 4 year old & 3 year old should be a blast!). We will spend a week down there while Jason finishes up his last week of Greek class, after which, he will fly down & meet us there so we can spend another week in Florida as a family. And what trip to Florida would be complete without a trip to DISNEY WORLD!?! We will be taking the girls (and Brad & Shallon's girls) to spend a day at Magic Kingdom where we will also have breakfast with the Disney Princesses!! My girls are going to absolutely explode!!!

As for me, God is up to something. He is teaching me at every turn. What information can I divulge? He's teaching me a lot about spiritual warfare. He's teaching me a lot about discipleship. He's teaching me a lot about faith. He is teaching me Who He is & what He is not. He is teaching me that He is a Refiner & not my personal Teddybear in the sky Who gets a kick out of me being me. He is teaching me that proper theology is of utmost importance. He is teaching me to be wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove. I told you . . . He's up to something.

"Know Him and then act like you know Him. That is faith."

Funny Girl

Quote of the day:

When asked why she didn't have her crocs on after being asked to put them on so we could leave the house, Peyton replied . . .

"Crocs, what are you doing? Get on my feet, crocs!!!"

What I Gave Up for Lent

Nope. Not me. Never observed Lent before in my life. Didn't know what it was -- didn't care. Until we came to seminary. Being here has exposed us to all sorts of "high church" traditions that Jason & I had never observed before, Lent being one of them. I was further intrigued on Monday night at our Townhouse Ladies Bible study when one of our ladies informed us that she was going on a "media fast" for Lent -- no TV. Wow, that's commitment.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Lent, let me explain: Lent is the 40-day long period of fasting & prayer before Easter. The purpose of Lent is to prepare the believer through prayer & self-denial for the celebration of Holy Week & Easter in particular.

So, heck . . . why not??? And what have I decided to give up, you ask? As much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be a rather negative person. One "bad" thing in my day can easily wipe out 10 wonderful blessings in my mind. Last night I showed up for church, sleep-deprived & unprepared for my ministry . . . & whining to anyone who would listen!!! I bet I was a peach to be around last night! So, what am I giving up?

The "Oh-Woe-Is-Me" attitude that has found permanent residence in my thoughts, my speech, & my actions!! I am evicting it!! So pack up & move out OWIM. You are no longer welcome here.

The way I see it, it takes 30 days to create a habit, so 40 days of positive thinking, counting my blessings, & praising my God when I'm tempted to complain should do the trick!!

Interesting Perspective

It was a good day for the Dickinson girls. Daddy was working on a paper all morning & then in class from noon until 9:30 pm, so we made plans . . . we were movers & shakers . . . we had things to do.

The day started with a trip to PetSmart to admire all the fuzzy little critters that we couldn't take home. If the girls had their druthers, we would now be the proud owners of a pet Chinchilla! Although it's quite possible that Peyton would have smuggled out a rather peculiar looking lizard in her pocket!

Then it was on to Michael's. Caleigh is learning about our solar system in school & so we are going to make the typical styrofoam ball solar system to hang in our playroom. But who could resist the vinyl clings . . . originally priced at $24.99 - marked down to $4.99?!?!

Caleigh's new wall art

Peyton's new wall art

The best part was when Jason called at 10:30 to tell us he was done with his paper! Praise the Lord! (Did I mention he had been up until 3 am this morning & back up at 6 am to get this paper done????) We had just enough time to have lunch with Daddy before he had to get to class.

As fun & exciting as our day was, the best was yet to come. The girls knew that if they could behave, we would go out for ice cream after dinner. Just a little special something to make another night without Daddy more cheerful.

Disclaimer: I have often heard the advice that you should never threaten your child with any punishment that you are not prepared to follow through with. I.e. "If you don't stop that right now, I'm turning this car around!" Because I value such sage advice, I often avoid said tactic. Until tonight . . .

The girls were in rare form. I'm not sure what exactly transpired in their little brains between the hours of 2 & 4 (when they were napping), but they were WILD women when they woke up. Arguing, bickering, bossing, picking, yelling, irritating, shouting, disobeying . . . I have no idea who those children were. I was at my last straw. And then I said the fatal words. And I said them more than once. "If you guys don't knock it off, we're not going out for ice cream tonight!" How many chances could I give them before I had to follow through? Here's how it all went down . . .

Caleigh & Peyton were in the kitchen "planting seeds" (dropping Littlest Pet Shop animals on the floor), "watering" them (covering them with blankets, & "harvesting" them (gathering them up in baskets). Well, apparently Peyton wasn't "harvesting" correctly, so Caleigh started in with the scolding & the bossing. Then Peyton starting in with the screaming & the shrieking. And each was trying to out-do the other in volume!!! What was I to do?!?

So here I am, blogging on the computer with 2 monkeys on my bed behind me, naming all the Barbies & chucking the pillows off my bed.

But here comes the interesting perspective . . . I am so disappointed that I didn't get to share in a fun, exciting, ice cream-filled night with my girls. Tonight I will miss out on the laughter & the the giggles that I know would overtake them. Tonight I will not help them change out of ice cream-smeared clothing. Tonight I will not get to hear, "Momma, that was SO fun!" And then it hit me. This must be just a fraction of what it's like for the Lord when He has to chastise me. He doesn't get to share in the fun, exciting joys & blessings He has in store for me because I just didn't listen. Despite the warnings He gives, I just barrel on, doing my own thing. I wonder how many giggles over bowls of ice cream I have missed with Him.

Hmmm.

Losing Focus

I learned this week how easy it is to lose focus. Just one small shift & you lose all perspective. Just one small shift & disappointment has plenty of room to settle in.

I learned this week that I need to constantly check my intentions. Do I do what I do for the praise of men? Or do I do what I do for the praise of the King?

My wonderful husband brought this verse to my attention:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on ________."

Perhaps you know the way that verse should end. But my husband gently reminded me that I had been filling that blank with all sorts of things. And when things didn't work out exactly the way I told God they should, holy disappointment!

So here I am re-focusing. Amazing . . . it takes a lot more work to get that shift back then it did to let it slip.

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on YOU."

Major Milestones

Another semester here at seminary has begun!! We're still feeling a little shell-shocked from the insanely busy, nigh near disastrous ending from last semester . . . however, through Christ we can do all things. So we feel up to the new challenges this semester will bring.

As Jason prepares to spend his days & nights in class & in the library, the girls & I are taking on some MAJOR projects . . . potty-training & reading!

The idea of spending my spring & summer chained to a potty did not appeal to me, so I threw caution to the wind (caution being all that advice that says, "She'll do it when she's ready. You can't push her.") & started potty-training Peyton. Now, for those of you who know Peyton, you know that she is one smart cookie . . . she just happens to be one of the most stubborn people I have ever met (hmmm, wonder where she gets that?). It did not take her long to figure out how things work & by the end of one day (did I mention it was a very looooooong day, requiring much patience & persistence?), she had peed on the potty 3 times!!! What a celebration we had!! We are almost diaper-free!!!

Our other major milestone happened when I least expected it. Caleigh recently finished mastering her alphabet in our homeschool curriculum. Just last week we started working on the short 'a' sound. Well, on Tuesday nights Jason & I help with the seminary's community meals. Jason is in class up until the time the meal starts, so basically I'm the helper. I needed something to keep the girls busy while I was in the kitchen, so I had Caleigh trace about 20 words that had the short 'a' sound in it. The next day during school, she sounded out EVERY SINGLE WORD -- she read them all!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest thing!

But when I'm not busy potty-training & reading, there are a few things that I am really looking forward to this semester. The Townhouse Ladies Bible Study is up & running again. I'm really going out on a limb this time & leading the Bible study with no book to depend upon. We are doing a study of II Peter 1:5-8:

"Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, & moral excellence with knowledge, & knowledge with self-control, & self-control with patient endurance, & patient endurance with godliness, & godliness with brotherly affection, & brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive & useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

I also have my hands super-full for this Easter season. I am directing a drama for the Sunday before Palm Sunday. I am also directing 3 dramas for Holy Week -- one on Maundy Thursday, one on Good Friday, & one on Easter morning. Busy, busy, busy girl. But loving every minute of it!!

You Go, Girl!

About 4+ years ago, I was a new stay-at-home mom . . . and completely lost. I had gone from spending my days analyzing the poetry of John Donne & grading papers about the symbolism found in the use of color in The Great Gatsby to reading But Not the Hippopotamus 100 times a day & knowing right off the top of my head the number & letter of the day on "Sesame Street."

In an effort to make contact with the outside world, I joined a bulletin board for Christian stay-at-home moms. I found a lot of kindred spirits & great advice to get me through those first few difficult months of transition.

One of my favorite daily threads on that site was called "You Go, Girl!" Those of us who are SAHMs know how easy it is to go around in jammies (or at least a stained shirt) with no make-up & hair pulled back into a ponytail. After all, the majority of your day is going to be spent as a referee, a short-order cook, & a cleaning lady . . . who gets dolled up for that??? But we all also know that the better we look, the better we tend to feel about ourselves. "You Go, Girl!" or Y.G.G. encouraged us to get up, get dressed, put on that make up, as well as an attractive outfit, do our hair, & maybe even venture out of the house!

Now, anyone who knows me knows that my make up bag & I are not easily separated :) But today I took it to the next level. In the Y.G.G. spirit, I not only showered & put on make up, but I also broke out the hair straightener . . . and an adorable brown corduroy skirt with chocolate brown tights!! Granted, I'm still sporting the pink slippers I got for Christmas, but I must admit . . . I'm feeling a little more like the Diva Mom I always pictured myself being.

You Go, Girl!!

The Incredible Journey Continues

Where does the time go?? I am painfully aware of how overdue we are for an update. So here it is . . .

On Sunday, a very dear friend of mine handed me a CD -- as she often does -- of a group she wanted me to check out. Well, it was true love immediately!! And the very first song I heard has become my own personal anthem.


Joy unspeakable that won't go away
Just enough strength to live for today
So I'll never have to worry what tomorrow brings
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God!!

And that has been our experience in this, our 2nd year of seminary. It started out ordinary . . . the usual reading, the usual papers, the usual nights at the library. Jason was concentrating on some new responsibilities -- member of student forum, student representative to the board of trustees, member of the presidential search committee -- and continuing to excel in his studies. I was trying to keep my head above water with my new responsibilities -- Homeschooling Mom, AWANA Sparks secretary, drama ministry director, organizer/leader of the Evangelical Townhouse Ladies Bible study (the Real Housewives of Orange County have nothin' on us). It was time-consuming & rewarding & we were settling very nicely into a routine. And then . . .

Jason was laid off work. Now, granted, we are not living the high life here at seminary, but we do need income . . . badly. If there were ever a doubt in my mind that God is a God who can be trusted, all doubts are gone.

I cannot tell you what it is like to have groceries appear on your doorstep. Or to find $1000 in your church mailbox. Or to have someone hand you $40 when you know what a sacrifice that is for them. Or to have someone beg you to let them buy your children Christmas gifts. Or to have dear friends sorting through numerous boxes at our church's Freebay, looking for things that would be perfect for your children. The examples of God's amazing love & provision for our family is ENDLESS!!

At the moment, Jason is still laid off of work. And we are still surviving (on more than just tuna & beans).

More to come . . . the girls & I are currently off & running. We are going to meet Daddy to have an early Thanksgiving dinner with dear seminary friends.

Be back soon!

Goodbye, Fuzzy

In case there was any doubt, Satan is alive & well, & was hard at work in my house today. But he missed the memo that Christ has overcome the world, so despite his best efforts, I'm ending the day with a smile.

The day started off ordinarily enough. There has been a decent amount of stress in my life lately. I am the new AWANA Sparks secretary & up until last week, there were no directors in place & the program was in jeopardy of shutting down. Suffice it to say, we are up & running & have been trying to accomplish in 2 weeks what normally takes 2 months. No pressure. The first night of club is tomorrow night.

After our first school session this morning, I decided that it was time for Caleigh to take more responsibility for her hamsters -- Fuzzy & Squeeks. So for her chore for the day, she was going to have to help Mommy clean their cage. I took the hamsters out & noticed that Fuzzy was looking a little mangy. I had noticed this before, but was assured by my hubby that it was nothing to worry about. After seeing her condition close up, I decided that a call to PetSmart was in order. To make a very long story somewhat short, I ended up taking both hamsters down to the store to be looked at.

Warning: Do not continue reading if you are faint of heart!!!

The woman helping us took a look at Fuzzy & immediately knew that something was very wrong. It turns out that Fuzzy must have had a tumor of some sort growing in her belly & it was forcing her intestines out her backside. Very gross.

So at 10:30 this morning, there I was in PetSmart with a sobbing 4-year-old trying to explain the concept of putting a pet down for their own good. But we managed to get through the trauma. Fuzzy is "in Heaven with Jesus" & Tiny has joined our little family.

I'm exhausted & it took us until 7 o'clock tonight to make up all the schoolwork we missed during the hamster saga. But bedtime is not too far away.

Super Schedule & Happy Homeschooler!!

I must admit, I started this new school year (Jason in seminary & Caleigh being homeschooled) with a mix of eagerness & trepidation. I realize that the word "schedule" is a dirty word to some moms, & if flying by the seat of your pants works for you . . . Great!! But with a husband in seminary, a homeschooled preschooler, a rambunctious toddler, & a serious lack in self-discipline (come on girls, you know what I'm talking about -- you could fold laundry, scrub toilets, or wash dishes OR you could lay on the couch with a light breeze from the fan blowing over you while a Lifetime movie plays faintly in the background & you drift in & out of consciousness . . . take your pick), I desperately need a schedule.

So in the few weeks before school started back up, I spend hours pouring over our "2008 Fall Family Schedule." I set up bedtimes, naptimes, mealtimes. I incorporated morning routines, school sessions, & chore times. I squeezed in Family Night, couple time, & snuggle moments. I even created space for trips to the grocery store, the bank, & the library. Jason needed study time, Sunday School prep time, & down time. I needed ministry time, cooking time, & Me Time. And all of it had to be flexible to boot!!!

The true test came on Tuesday -- Jason's first day of classes, Caleigh's first day of school, & the first day of schedule implementation. And to top it all off, we were starting the day with an unscheduled doctor's appointment! But I am pleased to report that the schedule has worked beautifully!!! Sure there were things that we missed here & there. Some things had to be re-worked, but in the end, we have accomplished more in the past 4 days then we have in a long time!! I start the day off with a goal & end the day feeling extremely productive. And the girls have completely embraced their new responsibilities. Yea, Mom!!

And how did homeschooing go, you ask?? I honestly thought it was too good to be true when Caleigh looked at me after our first session on Tuesday (we have 3 sessions of school a day) & said, "Mommy, I don't want to take a break." But 4 days later, I couldn't get over the disappointment on her face when we finished all our schoolwork for today & I told her there was no more work for her to do. As Peyton was playing the pool, Caleigh wanted to stay inside & do schoolwork. I take that as a sign that things are going well :o)

So as I type this, we are having Free Time. Caleigh finished 3 sessions worth of school in just 2 time slots, so we get extra time to play!!!! Yes!!

The Delicate Balancing Act

Facebook is going to be the death of me!! I spend so much time updating that, that I often forget to visit my poor little blog & update my faithful readers who are continuing to follow the "Seminary Saga."

First, the issue of my health -- I started physical therapy 3 weeks ago & am continuing to progress quite nicely. Most mornings, I only have the faintest hint of a limp. Depending on how physically strenuous the day has been, the limp may or may not increase as the day wears on. But I headed back to work last week & am loving the fact that things are getting back to normal.

I am going to be wearing a new hat this year -- Homeschool Mom. Caleigh will be officially homeschooling for preschool starting on Tuesday. We weighed our options very carefully & feel that this is the best choice for her. She does not deal well with change (let's not forget moving day & all the puking) & since Jason will be finishing seminary in the middle of her 1st grade year, we felt it best to homeschool. Once Jason's done seminary & we know where our ministry will be, we will re-evaluate. But for now, Caleigh & I are looking forward to lots of fun learning & doing projects together. I just hope her current enthusiasm continues once she realizes that the lazy days of playing outside or watching Disney videos all day will be altered just a bit.

Jason starts his 2nd year of seminary on Tuesday as well. He has a full plate this semester with 4 classes -- Theology I, Leadership & Administration, The Church at Worship, & Hebrew Exegesis -- as well as being a member of the student council & a member of the Presidential Search Committee. He is also teaching the young adult Sunday School class at our church. It has been hard to create a schedule for Jason that gives him any time to breathe, but I think we've managed to fit it in!!

I have taken on some new responsibilities as well. I am the new Awana Sparks secretary, as well as the leader of the seminary townhouse women's Bible study. I am continuing to work as the director of our drama ministry & have 3 different projects associated with that in the works.

Needless to say, life is anything but dull. But the real delicate balance comes when someone (the Heffner girls) suck you into Stephenie Meyer's 4-book Twilight series!! My, oh my!!! I'm sure life will be a little bit more manageable once I'm finished with Breaking Dawn. Oh, but then there's the movie . . . .

A Slow Recovery

First, let me say thank you to everyone for your prayers & concern. They have definitely aided in my recovery & kept my spirits up at those discouraging moments.

I am finally improving & feeling a bit like my old self. Most of the pain in my left leg has subsided. There is quite a bit of weakness still & I do walk with a bit of a funny gait. But Jason has been taking excellent care of me & my girls have been very understanding about Mommy's new-found "slow-poke-ness."

Satan is a Nerd

I guess things were going just too well to leave well enough alone.

Jason was finishing Hebrew with flying colors. The girls were having a great summer filled with mellow days playing in the pool. And I was enjoying being at home with a plethora of projects to work on -- getting Caleigh's homeschool lessons prepared, working from home for a Christian marketing company, lots of jewelry orders to be filled, helping with VBS at our church, & planning for our family's upcoming vacation.

TUESDAY -- I was out shopping at Michael's with my girls. An over-whelming weakness took over my body & I collapsed to the floor. I was able to get ahold of my husband who came to rescue us. He took me straight to the doctor's office. The doctor had several possibilities of what the issue could be, including possibly a mini-stroke as my whole left side was exhibiting weakness after my neurological exam. The nurse was unsuccessful in drawing blood, so I was sent home to rest & told to check in with the doctor in the morning.


WEDNESDAY -- I woke up with the same weakness in my left leg. By the end of the day, my foot & lower leg were becoming tingly & numb.

THURSDAY -- I did not anticipate getting out of bed & falling to the floor, thanks to a paralyzed left leg. We saw the doctor in the afternoon. He ordered a myriad of bloodtests, as well as an MRI tomorrow morning to look for Multiple Sclerosis. However, the doctor's best guess is a neurological condition called Guillain-Barre Syndrome. I'll spare you all the gory details (you can google it for yourself), but basically it is a virus that starts with numbness in the lower extremities & works its way up. The major concern is that it will work its way to the muscles that assist with breathing, in which case, I will end up on a respirator.

But our family is hanging in there, still smiling.

God is good . . . all the time. All the time . . . God is good. Even with a bum leg.

The Delinquent Blogger

My goodness . . . I had no idea it had been so long since my last blog. Life quickly gets away from me & there just never seems to be enough hours in a day!

As usual, our family has been busy. Jason received his official grades for his first year of seminary -- a 4.0!!!!! We were all very proud of him. We are looking forward to the start of a new year. He will be taking Theology I, Leadership & Administration, the Church at Worship, and Hebrew Exegesis. It's gonna be a long semester!

We celebrated Peyton's 2nd birthday at the end of May. We had a small family gathering at our home. Nana & Bubba assisted us in buying the girls a cute little playhouse. They absolutely love it & spend most of their days inside of it.

Jason started his Hebrew language course in the beginning of June. So far he's acing the course -- even thought that means he has flashcards in his pocket 24/7. He often greets me with some Hebrew phrase or other in the morning -- I just pretend to know what he's talking about. Caleigh has been helping him study, which has resulted in her memorizing the Hebrew alphabet. It's a little odd to hear your 3-year-old speaking in Hebrew as you walk through Walmart.

I was invited back to Philly again this year to show my jewelry at their 4th of July celebration. They changed "Arts on the Avenue" to "Wednesday Night Out." I had a very successful jewelry show, selling over 40 pieces in one night!! You can check out some of my new stuff in my Etsy shoppe at www.morganmariedesigns.etsy.com.

We are all looking forward to Jason finishing up his language course at the end of this month & then it's off to the Poconos for a well-deserved rest.

Hopefully, it won't be so long before another update. No promises . . .

Our GRRRREAT Day!!!

We had been looking forward to today for weeks!!!! In celebration of Jason's first year of seminary ending, we made plans to take the girls to the Hands on House in Lancaster. And as you will see from the pictures, it will be hard to tell who enjoyed themselves more . . . us or the kids!!!

Mommy & the creepy crawly puppets

Peyton was all about the face painting. It was the first thing she did. Caleigh finally warmed up to the idea & had both cheeks painted by the end of the day.

Peyton loved "driving" the tractor!

Picking corn

The scary cow hiney & Peyton "milking" the cow

Working in the chicken coop

Grocery shopping

Caleigh buying a sandwich at the grocery store

Jason never lets me have seafood at home, so imagine my excitement at being able to "buy" crabs & lobsters!!

The Hands on House even had little lists for the kids to follow -- it was great!!!

Jason literally had to fight to get Peyton out of the grocery store -- this was her favorite room!! She LOVED the cash register!!!

And there's Daddy, our favorite cashier!!

Daddy's slapstick comedy gets them every time!

Caleigh's favorite room was the Dress-Up room (big surprise)

Mommy was the evil alligator that had to chase the princess around the room

Ahhh, there he is . . . Prince Charming himself.

Mommy & the Princess

Peyton & the giant Lite Brite

Caleigh's Potato Head creation

Peyton was a little confused about this

Mommy Grasshopper

Caleigh & Peter Rabbit in Mr. McGregor's garden

A brave attempt at a sand castle

We had a fantastic time!!!!!! The girls were asleep within 5 minutes of being in the van. And they were absolute angels the whole time we were there (which also makes any activity even better). Ahhh . . . a satisfied day!!

A Delightful Mother's Day

If you had asked me on Friday afternoon if I was going to have a good Mother's Day, I would have replied like a Magic 8 Ball -- "Good outcome unlikely." Caleigh had been exhibiting signs of an ear infection, so I knew a doctor's appointment was necessary. Little did I know that not only would Caleigh be seen by the doctor, but Peyton would also need to be seen as well. When all was said & done, the girls left the doctor's office being treated for 2 ear infections apiece & possible strep throat. :( Yuck!! So here I was, with 2 sick kids, prescriptions for antibiotics, & in desperate need of more children's Tylenol -- did I mention I was also late for work??

But amazingly enough, my Mother's Day was fantastic. Any day that includes sleeping in, chocolate chip waffles in bed, lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, ice cream, & a nap has to be a good day!!! And the fact that Jason is finished with school is an added bonus!! It was so nice to be able to talk to him & not have to get his nose out of a book first :)

And speaking of schoolwork, Jason did finish his first year of seminary on Wednesday. It looks like he will be finishing with a 4.0 (not official yet). We can't believe how quickly the year went or how much has happened in just 12 months. It's hard to imagine that at this time last year, we had just put our house on the market & were in the process of packing. Not to mention, that Peyton wasn't even walking! Now she's walking, talking, running, jumping, & sleeping in a big girl bed -- and potty training starts this month!!!! Where does the time go?!? We get a short break from school & then Jason will be starting Hebrew the first week in June. It will be a 2-month course that meets 3 times a week. It's gonna be craaaazy!!!!!

But life is good. We're having a low-key day today since it is bitter cold outside & my little princesses are sick. So as I sit here typing this blog, Peyton is tossing teeny-tiny pieces of Polly Pocket clothing into the air -- much to Caleigh's chagrin -- while Caleigh is accessorizing all the Polly Pockets with shoes & the Prince with a pink vest. I love having girls!!!!

Poor Buddy

Every parent who has a child who has developed an obsessive affection for a particular stuffed animal dreads the moment . . . the moment when said stuffed animal goes missing, lands in the mud, or GETS A HOLE!!!

Such was the moment we had the other night with Caleigh's beloved elephant, Buddy. Buddy has been through a lot in this past week. She was left outside for several hours, stuffed in a dirty wagon. She was puked on by Caleigh. Subsequently, she was sent into the washer for a tubby. On Saturday night Caleigh drew my attention to a large gaping hole just below Buddy's ear. Now surely if you had a hole below your ear, you would be in pain, so Caleigh assumed Buddy was too. So Dr. Mom got out her needle & thread & began the very delicate procedure. Caleigh & Peyton offered Buddy moral support throughout the surgery. Buddy did quite well & is recuperating nicely. Aren't kids great!?!


On a more serious note, we are in the home stretch for this semester of seminary. Jason has a 3-hour presentation to give in one of his classes today. Then it's a few more projects, a few more papers, one final exam & we're done!! His last day is May 7th & we can't wait!!! And being the wonderful wife that I am, I'm completely bailing on him this weekend! Actually, I'll be away at our church's Ladies Retreat, so MomMom & PopPop are going to graciously step in again & help out with the kids so Jason can get his work done.

We are really looking forward to Jason finishing school. He only gets a short break though, as he will be taking Hebrew for 2 months over the summer. But we've been able to plan some fun family activities to get the girls & Mommy some quality Daddy time!!

Thank you to all of our friends & family who have supported us with your prayers through our first year at seminary!

Calling All Dickinsons . . .

No need to panic -- we have not fallen off the face of the earth. And now for my famous phrase . . . "life has been incredibly busy for us here at seminary." I sound like a broken record, but it is oh so true.

Things got a little crazy & out of control shortly after Easter. Jason had gotten behind in some of his work due to illness (the "family flu" that we all passed around) and moving into a different townhouse. Just a few weekends ago, the girls & I had to seek refuge at my in-law's for a few days so that Jason could write 30+ pages worth of papers. And then there's the reading . . . A friend from church asked me if I was planning on reading all of Jason's textbooks when he is done with them. I looked at that friend & tried to be as polite as possible when I said, "No, I'm going to burn them." Not literally, but it is a tempting thought. I've become very familiar with Jason's profile as I often see him with his nose in a book :)

But God is good. The weather is beautiful & the girls & I have been enjoying the gorgeous campus. It seems as though God is teaching us lessons at every turn & drawing both of us into a deeper relationship with Him. It's quite cool.

As for the girls, they're great. I was able to share a very touching moment with Caleigh at bedtime a few nights ago. Anyone who knows Caleigh knows her obsession with being a princess. As I was putting her to bed, she asked me to sing her a Christmas song. I chose "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" which ends with "Glory to the Newborn King." Of course, she wanted to know who the "Newborn King" was. I went on to explain how Jesus is the King of everything. And then I said, "And do you know who His princess is? You!!" The excitement on her face was priceless.