A Lesson Re-Learned

It has come to my attention that there are a few people who read this blog & learn from my mistakes . . . at least in the realm of parenting. Believe me, I fall on my face as often (okay, maybe more often) as I succeed. Well, here is a lesson that I just keep learning over and over and over again.

We have a standard chore chart at our house. A list of responsibilities that the girls are to take care of (with a good attitude) each day. At the end of the day, if everything is done with a good attitude, each girl gets a sticker. Fifteen stickers earns you a reward . . . ice cream, small toy, movie night, etc. And it works GREAT!!! We run like a well-oiled machine.

And then we hit a bump in the road . . .

The whining starts . . . "I'm huuuunnnnggggrrryyy. When's dinner rrreeeaaadddyyy?"
The bossing starts . . . "You're not doing it right. Give it to me. It's MINE!"
The disrespect starts . . . "You forgot my juice!"
The arguing starts . . . "I was there first! Get OFF!!"
The helplessness starts . . . "Mommy, I neeeeeed you. I can't reach it."

What to do? Last night was the third time we have come up against this problem. It's like the children forget all manners, kindness, respect, & helpfulness. Mommy turns into Mean Monster Mommy & everyone spends time on the Naughty Step!! The girls need more than a "check the chore chart" at the end of the day. They need immediate feedback on their behavior. And we need more peace in our home. And it hit me -- Wait! We've been here before! A year or so ago, we used flowers. Several months ago, we used marbles. And as of last night, we use STARS!

The STAR system:

Each girl has 15 construction paper stars. Caleigh's are pink & Peyton's are green (only because I didn't have any purple). If the girls are especially helpful, kind, respectful, good . . . they get to put a star on the fridge. If they are bossy, argumentative, disrespectful, not helpful . . . they take a star off the fridge. Once all 15 stars are earned, they get a sticker. It has been enlightening (and rather satisfying in that MasterMind Mommy sort of way) to see their faces when stars are taken away . . . as though they are shocked that ordering Mommy to get juice is disrespectful & that pulling your sister's hair to get her to move is NOT nice! I have also learned that a system like this is just temporary. It doesn't take them long for them to get with the program & re-train themselves to act like the true princesses they are! Mean Mommy turns back into Patient Mommy & our house becomes our peaceful sanctuary.

So take it for what it's worth. Do with it what you will. I think I need to go give some stars!

Sacred Mondays

I know there are many of you out there who absolutely abhor Mondays. But I must admit . . . I LOVE them!!!

Since my husband became a pastor, Sundays have become the busiest "work" day of the week. Everyone is up long before the crack of dawn . . . Mom is constantly reminding everyone to move quickly -- eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash faces, get dressed. The car is packed up & everyone loaded in -- after all, we will not be back home until after 10 pm. We get to church early -- there are always lots of things to do before Sunday School starts. After the 3rd service ends, there are drama practices, worship team practices, & meetings. All day long there are people to talk to, counsel, & touch base with. And we LOVE every minute of it.

By the time we reach home, there are very few lights on in our townhouse community. We get two half-asleep little angels changed into their jammies & tucked into bed. The day is over & we are a very good version of tired. A day well spent.

More than one wise ministry wife has told me that days like that can soon become a chore & a burden if quality family down-time is not protected . . . hence the reason I LOVE Mondays.

Mondays in the Dickinson house are sacred. We avoid all extra, out-of-the-house activities if at all possible. We leisurely work our way through the laundry. We bake. We play. We watch videos. And we usually stay in our jammies (minus the 3 hours that Caleigh spends at school).

Today was extra special for us. Caleigh didn't have to go to school. The girls both slept in until 9 am. We stayed in our jammies & spent most of the day watching several of our favorite episodes from Season 1 of "Little House on the Prairie." We baked. We did projects. And now, here we sit, the girls all freshly bathed, eating bedtime snacks & watching "Mr. Edwards' Homecoming."

*Sigh* ~ I love Mondays.

Crispy Macaroni & Cheese

By popular demand . . .

Here is the recipe for the Macaroni & Cheese that I made last night for the seminary's Community Meal. It was a HUGE hit!!!!

1 - 10 3/4 oz. can cream of mushroom soup
1/2 c. milk
1/2 tsp. ground mustard
Generous dash of pepper
2 c. shredded Cheddar cheese
3 c. hot cooked elbow macaroni (about 1 1/2 c. uncooked)
1 - 2.8 oz. can French fried onions (1 1/3 c.)

In a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish, mix soup, milk, mustard, pepper, 1 1/2 cups cheese, & macaroni. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until hot.

Stir. Sprinkle onions & remaining cheese over top. Bake for 1 more minute or until onions are golden.

YUM!!!!!


*** Incidentally, my children are serious mushroom haters, so I substituted cream of celery for cream of mushroom . . . delectable!!!!

Careful What You Wish For

So . . . I came home from Caleigh's ballet class on Saturday morning feeling completely overwhelmed!! After my whirlwind 4-day trip to Maine & the immediate get-back-to-real-life-no-breaks-allowed days that followed (which included the death of my aunt & speaking in church on the topic of miscarriage), I was exhausted, the house was in shambles, & many of my church-related responsibilities had fallen by the wayside.

I cried the blues to my husband, who had his own plate piled high with responsibility. I needed a break. I needed to get things done. I needed to play catch-up with many things. I needed a duty-free, phonecall-free, restore order day!

No sooner had those words of complaint left my mouth, then Caleigh came down with a fever.

Now, let me add this disclaimer: I am in NO way a sadist who enjoys seeing her children sick. However, I have to appreciate God's way of making me take the time I so desperately needed to get things done that I'm sure He knew I would not take on my own.

We are now on our 4th straight day of being at home. Caleigh has been fever-free for the last 5 hours :)

As for me, I have played catch-up & it feels good. In fact, it feels so good that I think we are going to spend another quiet evening here at home making cinnamon ornaments (at the suggestion of a friend).

I love blessings in disguise!

Miscarriage

Our church is doing a special series called "Real God for Real Problems." In the last few weeks, we have tackled subjects like self-injury, depression, anxiety, & homosexuality. This past Wednesday, I was privileged to speak & share our story of miscarriage. It is a subject that has been very silent in many churches. I was honored to be on a panel with two other special women who have also experienced miscarriage & its devastating effects. So many people were touched, I thought I would blog what I shared with our congregation that night.

When Pastor Tim asked me to share my/our story, I didn't hesitate. One of Jason's favorite verses has always been II Corinthians 1:3-5:

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
God is our merciful Father & the Source of all comfort.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort
others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give
them the same comfort God has given us.

My story begins on the morning of March 15, 2001 -- the day I discovered I was pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy -- Jason & I had only been married for 3 months. And we were on the 5-year plan! There was no time to think about the implications of this new life because by the afternoon of the same day -- at 8 weeks pregnant -- I began to miscarry our first child. What I didn't know at the time was that this would be the first of four miscarriages for my husband & I.

One of the things that people need to understand about women going through miscarriage is that they experience a wide range of emotions.

My immediate response was fear although I don't know if it was more for me or for the baby. My first touch of sadness came during the doctor's exam when she referred to what was happening as a "spontaneous abortion." I also dealt with horrible guilt because a part of me was relieved -- this was not the best time to have a baby & this was not part of our plan. Four days later, I felt my first twinge of strange jealousy when my sister gave birth to her son, the first grandchild on our side of the family. My husband could probably elaborate on my odd behavior over the next several weeks -- it takes the body some time to realize that there is no longer a baby to sustain & the hormones must adjust accordingly. I thought I was being a completely rational human being, but Jason assures me that that was not the case.

One of the most difficult concepts for me to deal with was the fact that life begins at conception. I have often told Jason that if I could just think of the baby as a lump of tissue that was not genetically viable, it would be so much easier. But because I believe that life begins at conception, I knew that a little person had died, & that there was a child in Heaven that I would never know.

That first experience did leave me with one very positive perspective. I now knew that I desperately wanted children (I had never really been much of a "kid person" growing up). Together Jason & I made it a priority to prepare ourselves to start a family -- buying a house, buying a larger car, being financially secure, etc.

Several months later, Jason & I decided it was time to try to start a family. I falsely assumed that because I had gotten pregnant when we weren't even trying, it should be a piece of cake now. This began our 3 year journey through infertility and miscarriages.

Every month was met with disappointment when the pregnancy test was negative or the blood test showed hormone levels that were not high enough to sustain life . . . and we knew what would come next.

I wish I could say that I put my trust in the Lord & lived in the firm belief that He had a plan for my life & that He was good all the time & all the time He was good. However, that was not my response. God & I had it out several times before we stopped talking altogether.

I wrestled with extreme frustration. Our love life had become a science experiment. There was no such thing as intimacy when the mood was right. We had a very small window of opportunity each month & if we didn't make it work, don't bother talking to me for another 28 days. I was so deep in my own pain.

I wrestled with the fairness/justice of God. In my mind, everyone on the planet was pregnant except for me. I would go to the grocery store & see some woman with a cartful of kids, screaming obscenities at one that had dared touch something on the shelf & I would think, "How dare the Lord bless her & not me. It's not fair!" I remember receiving a phone call from the doctor's office, telling me that my hormone levels were again not elevated enough to sustain life. I knew this would result in our third miscarriage. That evening when Jason came home from work, he found me huddled on the floor in the corner of the kitchen crying. I will never forget what I said to him. "Would it really throw the planets out of alignment for Him to give us a baby? Really? He could do anything He wanted to. Why won't He do this?"

I had tunnel vision. I could not see past myself & my own pain to be even remotely concerned about anyone else. I was jealous of friends & family who were having babies. I hated Mother's Day. Everything was a constant reminder of what I didn't have. And all the while, I was convinced that Jason just didn't understand me. It wasn't his body. Which brought with it tremendous guilt -- he wasn't the one who couldn't maintain a baby. He was doing his part. It was my fault that our children were dying.

The fourth miscarriage was particulary difficult for me. I was teaching 9th grade English when I began to feel those all too familiar abdominal pains. Jason was called & by the time he arrived, the pain was so terrible, I couldn't even walk to the car. My body was broken -- my heart was broken -- and finally, my spirit was broken. There was something different about this time. It was like I had finally taken my blinders off & was seeing things for what they really were. I had been trying to deal with the sadness & loss alone & in the process I had turned into a bitter woman & put tremendous strain on my marriage. But most of all, I had driven a wedge between me & the Lord. I was tired of being the one doing all the work. He never walked away from me; I walked away from Him & wasted all my energy building a wall between us. I was finally done. I took all of my pain & all of my sadness & all of my hurt & laid it at His feet. I was calling Him on every promise He made to me:

I Peter 5:7 -- Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
Psalm 46:1 -- God is our refuge & strength, a very present help
in times of trouble.
Matthew 11:28 -- Come to Me, all you who are weary & carry
heavy burdens, & I will give you rest.
Isaiah 30:18 -- The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises
to show you compassion. For the Lord is a
God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for
Him.

The change wasn't instant. And I had to keep going & keep going & keep laying all of my garbage at the cross. But slowly the Lord healed my broken heart. He brought comfort in all forms, every time I needed it. One of my favorite forms was the song "Lullably" by Andrew Peterson that he had written for their first child, lost to miscarriage.

The one thing that often makes me reluctant to tell my story is that I now have 2 beautiful little girls. Some may think, "It's really easy for you to say just trust God. You have 2 children." But that was not a bargaining chip. I had to make things right with God & get back on His agenda before He ever blessed me with my children.

Things I wish I had done differently:

I wish I remembered the exact dates of my miscarriages. I was so deep in my own pain & wanting to forget it & make it go away, that I did not save those dates in my memory.

I wish we had named our lost children. They were people. They were children with souls & now, 6 years laters, I wish they had names.

Things I think I got right:

We decided to create our own memorial to our children. Wherever we live, we have a lilac bush in memory of our 4 children in Heaven. Incidentally, that was the difficult thing about moving to seminary. We rent a townhouse & are not allowed to plant a lilac bush.

I have a much greater appreciation for my girls than I think I would have had if I had not lived through the loss. Those girls were hard fought for, prayed for, & begged for.

One thing that I did not address is where I think my children are today. That's because there has never been a doubt in my mind that my children are in Heaven & that I will see them one day.

People were bringing even infants to Him that He might touch
them; and when the disciples saw it, they sternly ordered them
not to do it. But Jesus called for them and said, "Let the little
children come to Me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as
these that the kingdom of God belongs.
Luke 18:15-16

The Seminary Wife & Her Gas Tank

So here's a truth that I have learned through experience: God loves scenarios that are set up so perfectly for Him to show up & show off as our Jehovah Jireh. I could do with a few less of those "desperate straits," but I wouldn't trade being able to see His miraculous hand at work for anything.

So here was our recent scenario ~ money is tight. Every penny is being stretched to its limit. Vacation is right around the corner. I got into the van on Tuesday to go to work. Granted, work is only 1 mile from our house, but I was filling in at the office all week, so I would need to drive a total of 10 miles during the week. Well, the gas light was on & the needle was well into the "red." Not a good way to start the day -- empty gas tank, empty wallet. Surely I could make it 1 mile, right? So off I went. I made it to work without incident. When I got into the van to come home, the gas light was no longer on & the needle was just teetering at the "red." Hmm? By Thursday, the needle was reading a quarter tank full. Hmmmmmm? Not only did I make it back & forth to work all week, but I also took a 12-mile trip to Walmart on that same tank! The Old Testament had it's widow with the oil & flour, we have the seminary wife & the gas! But my story doesn't end there. On Sunday morning, we left the van in its parking space & took the car to church. The car had enough gas to get us to church, but not enough to get us home. How were we planning to get home, you ask? I'm not sure we even thought that far. After church, a dear girlfriend of mine "tricked" me (not a good word to use to describe it, but you get the point) into taking our car to the gas station so she could fill the tank. And then proceeded to give me money to fill the van's gas tank as well. Praise God for His provision & for friends who are sensitive to His promptings!!!!

But God was certainly not short on blessings this week. Caleigh saw a specialist on Thursday morning for her hearing loss. She will be having a second set of tubes put in her ears & her adenoids taken out next Wednesday. The doctor is confident that she will regain all of the hearing that she has lost!!

Jehovah Jireh.

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Why is that? Well, let's see. "Life has been busy" is my most often used excuse. True, but a bit played out. It certainly isn't because I don't have anything to write about or report. Life is full ~ full of lessons (easy & hard), full of laughter, full of experiences, full of decisions, full of joy . . . full, full, FULL!!!

I think perhaps my lack of blogging is due to what I typically blog. Work with me here . . . I tend to blog about what is on my mind. And lately, what has been on my mind is a) not for public knowledge or b) lessons that the Lord is teaching me that are so deeply personal & still in process that I just can't / don't want to share them. No offense to any faithful readers.

So what can I share?? Hmm . . . well, Jason finished his 4th semester here at ETS with another 4.0 (he would never tell you that himself, but I'm his wife & have full bragging rights). He started his summer language course - Greek - a couple of weeks ago. It's very challenging & time-consuming, but worth it!

Caleigh will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. You can pray for her (and us) as we deal with some anxiety issues there. Also keep in prayer an ongoing health concern that Caleigh is dealing with. We have an appointment for her with an ENT specialist to find out the cause of her hearing loss. We are trusting the situation to God & will be resting in Him regardless of the outcome.

Peyton is . . . well, Peyton. Loving life, hating potty-training, & doing it all with a smile!! I am really looking forward to having some one-on-one time with her while Caleigh is in school.

We are all anxiously awaiting a vacation coming up next month. My best friend, Shallon will be flying here to Pennsylvania to accompany me & my girls back down to her home in sunny Florida by van (20 hours in a car with a 4 year old & 3 year old should be a blast!). We will spend a week down there while Jason finishes up his last week of Greek class, after which, he will fly down & meet us there so we can spend another week in Florida as a family. And what trip to Florida would be complete without a trip to DISNEY WORLD!?! We will be taking the girls (and Brad & Shallon's girls) to spend a day at Magic Kingdom where we will also have breakfast with the Disney Princesses!! My girls are going to absolutely explode!!!

As for me, God is up to something. He is teaching me at every turn. What information can I divulge? He's teaching me a lot about spiritual warfare. He's teaching me a lot about discipleship. He's teaching me a lot about faith. He is teaching me Who He is & what He is not. He is teaching me that He is a Refiner & not my personal Teddybear in the sky Who gets a kick out of me being me. He is teaching me that proper theology is of utmost importance. He is teaching me to be wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove. I told you . . . He's up to something.

"Know Him and then act like you know Him. That is faith."

Funny Girl

Quote of the day:

When asked why she didn't have her crocs on after being asked to put them on so we could leave the house, Peyton replied . . .

"Crocs, what are you doing? Get on my feet, crocs!!!"

What I Gave Up for Lent

Nope. Not me. Never observed Lent before in my life. Didn't know what it was -- didn't care. Until we came to seminary. Being here has exposed us to all sorts of "high church" traditions that Jason & I had never observed before, Lent being one of them. I was further intrigued on Monday night at our Townhouse Ladies Bible study when one of our ladies informed us that she was going on a "media fast" for Lent -- no TV. Wow, that's commitment.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Lent, let me explain: Lent is the 40-day long period of fasting & prayer before Easter. The purpose of Lent is to prepare the believer through prayer & self-denial for the celebration of Holy Week & Easter in particular.

So, heck . . . why not??? And what have I decided to give up, you ask? As much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be a rather negative person. One "bad" thing in my day can easily wipe out 10 wonderful blessings in my mind. Last night I showed up for church, sleep-deprived & unprepared for my ministry . . . & whining to anyone who would listen!!! I bet I was a peach to be around last night! So, what am I giving up?

The "Oh-Woe-Is-Me" attitude that has found permanent residence in my thoughts, my speech, & my actions!! I am evicting it!! So pack up & move out OWIM. You are no longer welcome here.

The way I see it, it takes 30 days to create a habit, so 40 days of positive thinking, counting my blessings, & praising my God when I'm tempted to complain should do the trick!!

Interesting Perspective

It was a good day for the Dickinson girls. Daddy was working on a paper all morning & then in class from noon until 9:30 pm, so we made plans . . . we were movers & shakers . . . we had things to do.

The day started with a trip to PetSmart to admire all the fuzzy little critters that we couldn't take home. If the girls had their druthers, we would now be the proud owners of a pet Chinchilla! Although it's quite possible that Peyton would have smuggled out a rather peculiar looking lizard in her pocket!

Then it was on to Michael's. Caleigh is learning about our solar system in school & so we are going to make the typical styrofoam ball solar system to hang in our playroom. But who could resist the vinyl clings . . . originally priced at $24.99 - marked down to $4.99?!?!

Caleigh's new wall art

Peyton's new wall art

The best part was when Jason called at 10:30 to tell us he was done with his paper! Praise the Lord! (Did I mention he had been up until 3 am this morning & back up at 6 am to get this paper done????) We had just enough time to have lunch with Daddy before he had to get to class.

As fun & exciting as our day was, the best was yet to come. The girls knew that if they could behave, we would go out for ice cream after dinner. Just a little special something to make another night without Daddy more cheerful.

Disclaimer: I have often heard the advice that you should never threaten your child with any punishment that you are not prepared to follow through with. I.e. "If you don't stop that right now, I'm turning this car around!" Because I value such sage advice, I often avoid said tactic. Until tonight . . .

The girls were in rare form. I'm not sure what exactly transpired in their little brains between the hours of 2 & 4 (when they were napping), but they were WILD women when they woke up. Arguing, bickering, bossing, picking, yelling, irritating, shouting, disobeying . . . I have no idea who those children were. I was at my last straw. And then I said the fatal words. And I said them more than once. "If you guys don't knock it off, we're not going out for ice cream tonight!" How many chances could I give them before I had to follow through? Here's how it all went down . . .

Caleigh & Peyton were in the kitchen "planting seeds" (dropping Littlest Pet Shop animals on the floor), "watering" them (covering them with blankets, & "harvesting" them (gathering them up in baskets). Well, apparently Peyton wasn't "harvesting" correctly, so Caleigh started in with the scolding & the bossing. Then Peyton starting in with the screaming & the shrieking. And each was trying to out-do the other in volume!!! What was I to do?!?

So here I am, blogging on the computer with 2 monkeys on my bed behind me, naming all the Barbies & chucking the pillows off my bed.

But here comes the interesting perspective . . . I am so disappointed that I didn't get to share in a fun, exciting, ice cream-filled night with my girls. Tonight I will miss out on the laughter & the the giggles that I know would overtake them. Tonight I will not help them change out of ice cream-smeared clothing. Tonight I will not get to hear, "Momma, that was SO fun!" And then it hit me. This must be just a fraction of what it's like for the Lord when He has to chastise me. He doesn't get to share in the fun, exciting joys & blessings He has in store for me because I just didn't listen. Despite the warnings He gives, I just barrel on, doing my own thing. I wonder how many giggles over bowls of ice cream I have missed with Him.

Hmmm.

Losing Focus

I learned this week how easy it is to lose focus. Just one small shift & you lose all perspective. Just one small shift & disappointment has plenty of room to settle in.

I learned this week that I need to constantly check my intentions. Do I do what I do for the praise of men? Or do I do what I do for the praise of the King?

My wonderful husband brought this verse to my attention:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on ________."

Perhaps you know the way that verse should end. But my husband gently reminded me that I had been filling that blank with all sorts of things. And when things didn't work out exactly the way I told God they should, holy disappointment!

So here I am re-focusing. Amazing . . . it takes a lot more work to get that shift back then it did to let it slip.

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on YOU."

Major Milestones

Another semester here at seminary has begun!! We're still feeling a little shell-shocked from the insanely busy, nigh near disastrous ending from last semester . . . however, through Christ we can do all things. So we feel up to the new challenges this semester will bring.

As Jason prepares to spend his days & nights in class & in the library, the girls & I are taking on some MAJOR projects . . . potty-training & reading!

The idea of spending my spring & summer chained to a potty did not appeal to me, so I threw caution to the wind (caution being all that advice that says, "She'll do it when she's ready. You can't push her.") & started potty-training Peyton. Now, for those of you who know Peyton, you know that she is one smart cookie . . . she just happens to be one of the most stubborn people I have ever met (hmmm, wonder where she gets that?). It did not take her long to figure out how things work & by the end of one day (did I mention it was a very looooooong day, requiring much patience & persistence?), she had peed on the potty 3 times!!! What a celebration we had!! We are almost diaper-free!!!

Our other major milestone happened when I least expected it. Caleigh recently finished mastering her alphabet in our homeschool curriculum. Just last week we started working on the short 'a' sound. Well, on Tuesday nights Jason & I help with the seminary's community meals. Jason is in class up until the time the meal starts, so basically I'm the helper. I needed something to keep the girls busy while I was in the kitchen, so I had Caleigh trace about 20 words that had the short 'a' sound in it. The next day during school, she sounded out EVERY SINGLE WORD -- she read them all!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest thing!

But when I'm not busy potty-training & reading, there are a few things that I am really looking forward to this semester. The Townhouse Ladies Bible Study is up & running again. I'm really going out on a limb this time & leading the Bible study with no book to depend upon. We are doing a study of II Peter 1:5-8:

"Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, & moral excellence with knowledge, & knowledge with self-control, & self-control with patient endurance, & patient endurance with godliness, & godliness with brotherly affection, & brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive & useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

I also have my hands super-full for this Easter season. I am directing a drama for the Sunday before Palm Sunday. I am also directing 3 dramas for Holy Week -- one on Maundy Thursday, one on Good Friday, & one on Easter morning. Busy, busy, busy girl. But loving every minute of it!!